He ran and he ran, not caring where he was going or whether he would make it.
The sun may have been rising but it was midnight in his soul. The dawn chorus was in full swing but there was only one awful sound clamoring in his mind.
The cock crowing.
The world was blurred by tears so it must have been angels who guided Peter to the spot.
“The spot” moist with dew and blood where he slept while His Lord steadied the cup to drink to its dregs. His denials were in that cup. His attempted murder. His self-sufficiency. His misunderstanding the Savior.
Bach illustrates the moment Peter collapses in the dirt, head bowed, hands grasping ground as if to keep himself from being swept away. Holding on by faith to the reassurance he saw when Jesus looked at Him with a patience, love, and concern that broke his heart and gave him hope.
The brushstrokes of the Arie, from St. Matthew’s Passion:
Erbarme dich, mein Gott,
Um meiner Zähren Willen!
Schaue hier, Herz und Auge
Weint vor dir bitterlich.
Erbarme dich, erbarme dich!
Have mercy, my God,
for the sake of my tears!
Look here, heart and eyes
weep bitterly before you.
Have mercy, have mercy!
And heaven, even as its most precious Darling is being tormented and abused, accused and framed, maimed and murdered, hears Peter’s prayer.
He had been in the church and under the tutelage of the greatest Teacher ever known.
Peter was given power to heal the sick, raise the dead, and preach the Gospel.
He’d walked on water, retrieved taxes from a fish, and seen his mother-in-law healed.
Ate the leftovers from twelve baskets remaining after feeding thousands with a little boy’s lunch.
He’d left all for Jesus professing there was nowhere else to go for He had the words of eternal life.
“Thou are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.”
And Jesus said to Him “when thou are converted, strengthen thy brethren.”
As Peter sobbed and his heart throbbed and his hands clutched the ground by faith clinging to the promises in Jesus’ glance, the Spirit worked His conversion. When he was broken upon the Rock and fell all helplessly in His arms, realizing that self must be crucified and must die with the Savior not rule in the affairs of man, Peter was changed.
Peter had been to Gethsemane once but returned again to finally receive what he refused at first.
And so it is with us too. Our steps follow Jesus to the second garden where He redeemed Adam’s failure and offers us a chance to pray with Him “not my will but Thine be done.”
But sometimes, to get to the Upper Room we must walk through our failures back to where we first saw the light. It is wonderful to know that though some of us have walked with Jesus for years without truly knowing Him, He looks beyond our faults, sees our need, and looks at us as One Who is eager to supply all our needs according to His riches in glory.
Don’t be ashamed if returning to your first love means starting again.
Jesus is walking with you and will meet you at the spot to wipe your tears away, mend your heart, and start again as if it’s the very first time.